Think of the future for elderly parents
By: H. Amos Goodall, Jr.
Do you worry that your parents lack estate plans? If something happens to one parent, can you help the other? Do you have any idea where they stand financially?
These topics are hard to discuss. Children do not want to appear greedy, and parents may fear loss of control or independence. But it is crucial, espcially if any family members have impairments or may need assistance now or in the future.
How do you approach your parents? First, get your own house in order; make sure that you have a will, power of attorney and advance medical directive. After this, you should be able to approach your parents by mentioning your own work with an elder law attorney. Ask if they have done this. Your goal is to balance safety with independence. Don't wait until an emergency to start planning. Don't first ask them about wills because this can scare those parents who don't want to think about mortality. Focus instead on powers of attorney and advance medical directives; ask who can make financial and medical decisions from them if they cannot.
What about a temporary disability requiring someone to help pay bills or make medical decisions? If your parents already have a plan, see if they will tell you where they keep papers or at least their lawyer's name. The attorney cannot talk to you without permission, but you will at least know where to turn in an emergency.
If your parents do not have plans, suggest they see an elder law attorney. Parents may let you help by scheduling appointments, but they - not you - will be the clients.
To help overcome a communication gap, here are 10 conversation-starting questions:
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Are you comfortable about your finances? Would a financial planner be helpful?
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Have you consulted a local lawyer about an estate plan?
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Who should handle things if you become ill?
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If you become seriously ill, what level of care and intervention would you like?
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Do you have enough health insurance? Life insurance?
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Is your physician well-informed about older patients' issues?
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Can we make your home more comfortable?
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Are you feeling secure about driving?
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What do you think about funerals?
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Do you have a list of all your important information? Where do you keep it?
Another way to begin a discussion is to bring up the most important legacy your parents can leave - a discussion of values, hopes and beliefs they live by, recording specific incidents from their lives.
In an article in the North Country (Calif.) Times, author Agnes Herman points out: "If you leave behind even a simple list of values, you are guaranteeing a place of honor on the family tree and its continued growth."
The point is to start a dialogue. If families are talking, progress will follow.